I’ve found a guide book to being a cat lady. a psychic cat lady.


cat astrology

At the moment I’m working for one of those borderline crazy people whose just one mental breakdown away from running an illegal cat farm in his sitting room. There are warning signs everywhere.

For starters he calls the cats his children. Now I too am a gay man whose slightly terrified of commitment, but if in my twilight years my phobias of relationships have left me barren and alone with only pets as friends AND THEN I begin referring to my pussy cats as my progeny please will someone put me down.  It’s the humane thing to do really. Being an old single gay men surrounded by felines is the human equivalent of being a cat that’s been hit by a car and is trashing slightly in the streets clinging to the vestiges of life that is so quickly slipping away. Plus this man was COOL (is cool) he’s done the most amazing things, and worked in some incredible places for some spectacular people. Yet now the artifacts of his life have become scratching posts and piss stained.

It’s like a one man Grey Gardens.

(I one day hope to be as crazy fierce as these bitches)

Yet today the warning signs went to Defcon five. My theoretical future self, told me I was welcome to any of the old books he stored in the garage. Nestled amongst travel books and theory I found by new summer reading.  CAT ASTROLOGY  by Michael Zullo.

It is exactly what you would imagine it to be. It’s all about the different astrological symbols and not only how they relate to cats, but how the star sign of their owner’s can influence their relationship. (Apparently I am not meant to own a TAURUS cat as I wont pay it the attention it needs.)

I’m hooked. It’s absolutely without a doubt required reading for those who are considering a future wearing cat hair like it’s this seasons couture collection. (Did you know Gemini Cats are predisposed to idiosyncratic behaviors. I did not. Now I do. Isn’t learning fun.)

I hope to do crazy cat lady in style. Like screw having 17 hours cats, I’m a have a Snow Leopard

Eyes like icy sea

 and Cuz all crazy cat ladies have like a billion catz, I’m going to have two of these. Perhaps even these two:

Clearly my twin Jaguars are Gemini’s which is awesome as “My independence and assertiveness” as an Aries ” will be invigorating to the Gemini, who sometimes will think he’s met his match.” (pg. 22) (footnotes are important)

And because these have been my favorite since I was old enough to realise that some things are better then other things (like Honey Nut Cherrios are SO MUCH better then regular Cherrios)

Some mother fucking tigers.

awkward family photo TIGER style

I’m totally going to read this book cover to cover and then give myself a pop quiz on it’s contents because information like this should be memorized.

(did you know TEDDY ROOSEVELT owned a six toed cat named slippers… Yeah i found that gem on page 71)


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